On Beauty

I approached being an artist from my education in philosophy. This perspective gives me an interesting insight on the idea of beauty; one of the harder concepts to universally nail down.
Beauty is bitter sweet. Beauty is in every place it is sought. Beauty is a step back, a re-analysis, and the shock of awe.
One of the great life benefits of educating your mind in a subject is that the knowledge you hold begins to expand your toolbox of perception. It adds lenses and filters to your vision; it helps you comprehend and makes you understand better those things that are still beyond comprehension. All my various studies each have given me portions of this. I could go on and on about each particular way; but I’ll be brief.
Beauty is my focus: and studying art has led me to become a seeker of beauty. I’ve grown quite adept at finding it; I still feel painfully lacking in being able to reproduce it. Suffice it to say though that I often find glorious vistas in the most mundane of places, that in itself adds such a spice to life that it keeps me dragging these tired feet to see more of it.
There is a place beyond that; I experienced it today, I have been experiencing it more and more often as I age. In it’s own way it’s a glorious curse, or a horrendous blessing.
When the beauty you seek finds you, and freezes you in place at the wonder of it. When that ephemeral moment strikes and sears itself into your instant of being; when the instants of wonder slip and your mind frantically seeks to record the infinite detail; knowing the impossibility of completing the task; to realize that this perfect instant will die; to watch it die. It’s heartbreaking. It brought me to tears, perhaps that seems dramatic; maybe it is. I am not exactly a well person, and I have no issue excusing such sensitivity even though I am well aware some see it only as weakness. A shameful part of me agrees; and those parts of myself tend to loathe each-other. Despite the conflict, the dissonance, that moment rips from me; despite the transient glory and death of that which ought to be forever in someplace; despite all the many ways these moments hold up an entire hall of mirrors to my pitiful efforts to comprehend this place I find myself existing in; I hope to experience it as many times as possible between now and my inevitable death.
It’s just that Goddamn beautiful.

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