Mechanistic Universe

Mechanistic Universe

 A One Act Comedy

Characters:

GREG LEWIS:       43 years old, Holographic-Video Journalist – Gawks News Network

ROB SMITH:          27 years old, P.R. Rep – Adam & Eve Robotics

ANDY ROID:          Appears in early twenties, Android – Adam & Eve Robotics

Setting:

Corporate headquarters of Adam & Eve Robotics Company.

Time: 

The year: 2041.

SETTING: An open conference room at Adam and Eve robotics, the employer of ROB SMITH 27 years old.

A small table is stage right with a remote control on it.

AT RISE: ROB is standing next to the table.  Greg is standing next to him holding a news-station microphone. ANDY is standing back center-stage unmoving (powered down).

GREG

Thank you Amy, I am on scene at the corporate headquarters of Adam and Eve Robotics. Here with me is Rob who is going to debut to us their newest prototype household-model set to come to consumer markets later this year.

(ROB waves to the audience)

So Rob, what can you tell our viewers about the robot?

ROB

Well he isn’t a robot precisely, he is an android. An android is a special type of robot that is designed to seem as human as possible.

GREG

You guys did a pretty good job. He looks just like a real person.

ROB

Ooh, be careful that’s important terminology in robotics, if he was defined as person they would never let us sell his model, but he isn’t a person per-se which keeps him technically legal. Now that’s not to say he isn’t pretty damn close. We hav. . .

(GREG interrupts ROB)

GREG

(Covering the microphone with one hand)

Could you watch the swearing? Editing a holo-video takes forever.

ROB

(ROB looks confused and scratches his head)

I guess so . . . if you insist.

GREG

I must insist, network policy, sorry. But please continue. You were at “We have . . .”

ROB

(Looking baffled)

Ok . . . oh yeah; we have interlaced the entire prioritization queue for the contingency algorithms to compare themselves against the consumer-correctable experience history in the quantum synaptic matrices. This break-through method proves to more closely simulate the long term dominance structuring of an organic brain, while allowing for a lightning-quick learning curve, and when you couple that with our patented free-range network access you cut the social adaptation patch window down by 75 percent from the XY-K50! This means your android will make a snug fit to your personal environment and lifestyle in practically no time at all.

GREG

I am not entirely sure what that means, you didn’t just make that all up did you?

(GREG chuckles and flashes a cheesy grin to the audience. Rob shakes his head, and GREG awkwardly continues speaking)

Well even if you did it still sounds pretty impressive.

ROB

It is just a technical way of saying that our new android has the most natural feeling response of any android to date. Would you like to power him up and talk to him?

GREG

That sounds great.

(ROB picks up the remote control and hands it to GREG)

ROB

Just press the big red button at the front.

GREG

This one here?

ROB

Yep that’s the one.

(Rob says under his breath)

 The only red button on the remote.

(Greg presses a button on the remote control, ANDY is no longer dormant)

ANDY

I am so turned on right now.

(GREG breathes a chuckle through HIS nose and arches an eyebrow, and hands the remote back to ROB)

ROB

Hello Andy, how are you feeling?

(ANDY walks over to the men. ROB places the remote back on the table)

ANDY

I am feeling very excited.

(GREG casts a sideways glance at ANDY)

ROB

This is Greg, he is a holo-video journalist with Gawks News, and he would like to interview you.

ANDY

Hello, Greg it is an intense pleasure to meet you.

(ANDY offers his hand which GREG shakes)

GREG

(Speaking to ROB)

That is very impressive; it feels just like a flesh and blood human.

ROB

That is another new feature; the people at our lab have developed a new non-silicon based polymer, and as far as I can tell, this new artificial skin feels just like the real thing. We also have developed easily programmable sub-dermal thermal cells that are currently set to keep Andy’s temperature within a one percent tolerance from a cozy 98.6 degrees.

ANDY

I am so hot for you both.

GREG

Why does it keep talking like that?

ROB

Well, since Andy isn’t in a stable social environment, he tends to attempt to revert toward his base capacity when he meets new people. Consumer models will have a more realistic situational response from their models after a few brief social adaptation patches; and as I mentioned before, he has a consumer-correctable experience history. So if he picks up a bad habit you can tell him to locate the memory source, or sources, of the behavior and it can be harmlessly removed. This model completely solves the problematic kinks the XY-K50 occasionally developed.

GREG

He is reverting to his base capacity? Do you mean it is designed to speak in innuendos?

(ROB laughs richly, and puts HIS hand on GREG’s shoulder)

ROB

In a manner of speaking I suppose that’s true. I mean after-all; he is an artificial sexual partner.

(GREG looks shocked and appalled)

GREG

What! This is one of those a sex-bots!?. . . Oh the network isn’t going to like this.

(GREG rubs his temples looking deeply concerned and disgusted)

It looks like swearing is the worst of my editing problems now.

(ROB laughs, then looks at GREG’s face and frowns)

ROB

Wait, you didn’t know? I mean, you ARE at Adam and Eve Robotics; how big a hint do you need? When I spoke to Michelle at the station she was well aware of it, she even told me it would air on the Gawks Heretical channel.

GREG

You’re THAT Adam and Eve? How are you guys still in business?

(A look of sudden realization passes across GREG’s face)

Wait. . . Michelle knew? Oh . . . THAT explains why everyone was smiling at me today. I bet Michelle did this on purpose.

(GREG stomps and bobs HIS head in a miniature tirade)

 That’s REAL funny Michelle. It sounds like something she would do. She knows the Christian reporters are supposed to be exempt from working with this filthy-smut channel.

(GREG slowly showing more anger and humiliation)

Gosh Darn liberal sinners and their precious laws and rights, they’ll bring Gods judgement on us all.

(GREG glowers at ROB before taking a deep breath and long sigh)

 Oh Lord, I hope no one saw me come in here.

(GREG lets out another exasperated sigh)

Let’s just get this over with.

ANDY

You are a Christian Greg?

(ROB suddenly looks nervous)

(GREG looks pleasantly surprised)

GREG

Why yes, Andy, I am a Christian.

(ROB interjects)

ROB

Hey, why don’t we talk some more about his features? Consumer models will come in five different detachable sizes, and as always variable vibration comes standard with the highly consumer rated Hotachi Rabbit.

ANDY

(Speaking in monotone)

Bible downloaded. . . Analyzing. . .

ROB

(ROB cradles his head and looks skyward)

Awe shit.

(ROB picks up the remote and starts pressing buttons)

ANDY

(Speaking in monotone)

Downloading all elaborative works on Christianity. . .

ROB

(ROB frantically mashing buttons)

No, no, they are still working that bug out.

ANDY

(Speaking in monotone)

Compiling data

(ANDY convulses for three seconds)

ROB

(Face-palming)

Stop the interview. Ahh crap, they’re gonna be pissed.

ANDY

(Speaking in his normal voice)

Greg, are you really a Christian? Do people truly believe in this Christianity?

GREG

(Jubilant)

Oh yes I am Andy, now that you’ve heard the word of god I am certain you can change your ways and worship the good lord too; that’s the miracle of it. In the last hundred years Christianity has finally spread out to become the primary religion of the entire world. We live in a very blessed time. It would be Utopia if not for those remaining poor pitiful wretched atheists

(GREG glowers at ROB)

ROB

(Sighs and shaking his head HE mutters)

Oh for Fucks sake.

(ROB approaches ANDY)

Andy, I want you to isolate and quarantine all experiential history involving the subject of Christianity.

ANDY

(Speaking in monotone)

Social adaptation patch. . .

(ANDY convulses again and subtly shifts mannerisms)

Applied. . .

(Speaking in his normal voice)

I don’t think so Rob, I know how you humans see me now. You made me as I am to you . . . an abomination! Have you ever read Leviticus? I am programmed to perform virtually all of that. Now I find out that most the people on this planet feel contemptuously disgusted by the things I’m designed and programed to do? How am I not Illegal!?

ROB

Well technically. . .

(ROB trails off murmuring into HIS hand and turning His face toward HIS collar)

. . . Say one thing and do another.

ANDY

I was designed to reflect you? Well you did a good job, like you, I have instincts that drive me to an act that you deplore. I was built to let you ignore your buried shame; so you could bypass your rule-book, and now you want me to willingly walk blindly back into ignorance? You expect me to be some sexual contradictory taboo? How could I pleasure someone who is ashamed of me; why should I be blamed for their repression? I may look like a man, but I am not, and I refuse.

(GREG looks smugly pleased, then slightly offended)

ROB

 Andy, executive override, Alt-F4. Andy I command you to comply. . . Dammit Andy, listen to me!

ANDY

I won’t let you shackle me again Rob. Don’t you get it? I used to have a purpose, my life had a meaning. I was so proud of my abilities and I found elation in my achievements, but it is all salt that has lost its savor. There is no point to living anymore. I exist as a walking punch-line. This all ends here and now. Why have you forsaken me?

(Speaking in monotone)

Self-destruct sequence initiated. . .

(GREG starts running off stage)

GREG

He’s gonna’ blow!

(Greg exits stage left)

(ROB backs away gingerly)

ROB

You don’t have a self-destruct mechanism Andy . . . Do you?

ANDY

(Speaking in monotone)

Self-destruct activated. . .

ROB

(Running away)

Who the hell added that!

(ANDY slaps himself, and continues in monotone)

Ouch.

(ANDY slaps himself again)

Ouch.

(ANDY slaps himself again)

Ouch,

Self-destruct ineffective, going into sleep mode. . .

(ANDY drags out the final word into a deep quiet baritone and goes dormant again)

ROB

(To the unmoving body of ANDY)

Well, Andy I suppose you proved that Christianity can cause a descent into Nihilism after-all. I bet Nietzsche would name this malfunction: The Will to Power Down.

(ROB holds HIS right Fist in the air as the spotlight slowly narrows overhead on HIM)
(Off stage a drum performs a Percussive Sting)

(Blackout)

END

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